Light in the Valley of the Shadow of Death (part fifteen)

Posted on July 2, 2013 by Claudia Dickson Greggs

When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him until an opportune time. (Luke 4:13)

Monday, December 5, 2011 was supposed to be a day in which I had no pressing matters to deal with or undue stress.  It was the day before my surgery to remove an aggressive tumor in my right parotid gland.  However, my E N.T. oncology surgeon had scheduled appointments for that day with my medical oncologist and radiation oncologist so that I could meet these doctors who would be working closely with me post-surgery – and so that they could get a look at my face and the tumor before it was removed.  However, the appointments were set up before my surgery was re-scheduled for an earlier date, so originally they would have taken place eight days before surgery, not the day before.  Had I known the disastrous effect they would have on me emotionally and spiritually, I would have cancelled these appointments and stayed home.  But that insight only came after the fact.

Since I could not drive because of the side effects of the pain medication I was taking, my friend, Catherine, drove me over to the UNC Medical Center and stayed with me.  I was grateful for her calm presence – and that Gil didn’t have to take another day off from work.  My first appointment was at 10 am with the medical oncologist, Dr. Hayes.  He oversees chemotherapy treatments for patients with head and neck cancers and monitors their health while they are in treatment.  Although no one knew for sure what kind of parotid gland cancer I had (there are several different kinds), he was fairly sure chemotherapy, in addition to radiation, would be an option – and that I might be a candidate for a clinical trial.

Dr. Hayes seemed competent and very likeable.  However, I realized while he was speaking with me that I didn’t want to be thinking about possible post-treatment therapies on the day before my surgery.  I had struggled with trusting the Lord with the outcome of my surgery and had reached a point where I believed he could – and would – do anything on my behalf, but now I had to sit and listen to a medical expert tell me about strategies that might keep the cancer from returning.  I began to grow anxious as Dr. Hayes spoke to me and I sensed my confidence in the Lord beginning to weaken a bit.

The appointment began late and ended just before lunchtime.  My next appointment, with the radiation oncologist, wouldn’t take place for at least another two hours, so Catherine and I decided to get something to eat in one of the hospital cafeterias; we also wanted to get as far away as possibly from the clinics and examining rooms.  After lunch we found two big comfortable wingback chairs in which to sit in the Cancer Hospital lobby and I napped briefly.  At 1:55 p.m. we took the elevator from the lobby, which was on the first floor, to a floor below ground to the radiation oncology department.

The elevator doors opened Continue reading →

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Light in the Valley of the Shadow of Death (part fourteen)

Posted on June 18, 2013 by Claudia Dickson Greggs

A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, “If you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus was indignant.He reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” (Mark 1:40-41)

I distinctly remember the large billowy clouds racing from one end of the sky to another in a sort of celestial road race on the morning of Tuesday, November 28, 2011.  The day began with heavy rain, but the rain cleared out quickly and by mid-morning the sun was shining brightly – that is, whenever a cloud was not covering it up momentarily.  The reason I remember so well these atmospheric conditions is because I was sitting in my kitchen right near our big picture window and my eyes were closed as my friend, Cynthia, was praying for healing for me.  Through my closed eyelids I could see flashes of brilliant light followed by moments of darkness.  This sensation seemed to characterize what was going on in my body and mind.

Cynthia had sent me an email the previous Tuesday to tell me she had heard about my diagnosis and was praying for me.  I responded by asking her if she would be willing to come over to my house and pray for healing.  I had already been thinking about contacting her when a friend wrote that same day to tell me about the remarkable recovery, with which the Lord had blessed her husband, from an illness after she and Cynthia prayed for him.  Although I did not know Cynthia well, I was eager to receive such prayer for healing.  These two emails were confirmation that I should ask.

When she came over that morning we first talked about healing prayer as we sat at my kitchen table drinking tea.  Cynthia explained the scriptural basis for healing and told me about her training and experience.   I was delighted to hear that everything she said was thoroughly orthodox and in accord with what I believed to be true.  Having this discussion first was important to me because I have learned from experience that when it comes to prayer it is important to be in agreement theologically with the person who is about to engage in prayer with me or for me.

Next, as I made myself comfortable in my chair, she placed her hand on my head Continue reading →

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Light in the Valley of the Shadow of Death (part thirteen)

Posted on June 4, 2013 by Claudia Dickson Greggs

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

The time between my diagnosis with cancer and the surgery to remove the tumor was the most difficult period to get through. I spent a good deal of time waiting: waiting for test results, waiting for my first appointment with the surgeon, then for the second appointment, then for the surgery.  At each juncture fears and doubts that had receded since the previous appointment or piece of information were stirred up again.  I had so many thoughts and feelings to process and just when I thought I had made my peace with them, there was something additional to deal with or reconsider.  In the days leading up to Thanksgiving I moved emotionally and spiritually from a sense of despair to one of hopefulness.  But as I neared the date of my second appointment with my surgeon, fear and doubt began to emerge again.  Would this second appointment be as upsetting as the first, I wondered?

Fear is an anxious response to something we cannot control or make sense of.  It is closely related to doubt.  In the New Testament the Greek word for doubt, διστάζω (pronounced, “distazo”), means to waver, hesitate, be uncertain.  The root word, δις (“dis”) means two ways.  Therefore, “doubt” is the condition of a person who cannot choose between two paths that are placed before her.  Sometimes she inclines toward one, then the other, but she chooses neither.  Fear creates a kind of mental and spiritual paralysis that leads to doubt.  Faith, as opposed to doubt and fear, is the ability to choose – to choose to follow God’s path, to believe in him despite what others say or what circumstances arise.  To be able to choose to follow the Lord means a person has not let fear undermine her faith.  The writer to the Hebrews sums up faith like this: Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (11:1) 

After my first appointment with Dr. Weissler I reached a point where I could believe that God could heal me, despite the grim statistic of survival for those with a tumor as aggressive as mine and the likelihood that the right side of my face would be paralyzed permanently.  However, I began to waver as fear gnawed at my confidence in the Lord just before my second appointment.  It occurred to me that maybe I should prepare myself for “the worst.” This was a habit I learned early in life.  It was a hedge against experiencing the sting of disappointment.  When viewed in this light, not to accept my doctor’s prognosis seemed impractical, even recklessly naïve.  Surely, decades of experience doing the same operation I was about to undergo taught him well.  He was an expert on this type of tumor and the surgery to remove it.  If I didn’t take his word as truth, wasn’t I Continue reading →

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